9/12/05

WHAT WENT WRONG?

By Lonewolf

Most of us ex-gang members or current ones are of a Christian upbringing (be that of the Catholic or Protestant faiths). We grew up for the most part either respecting our folks pass-on’s or simply not giving much thought to the whole religion deal. Little did we know as to the theological questions that divide the world and pit mind versus mind. It was all irrelevant to your personal every day world which surrounded you, a world where dog eats dog and the hypocrites came in all types of faces, shapes and forms. It suffice for your comfort, that you believed in God, and that on occasions you partook in some type of church or religious service. Every now and then, when you faced difficult times, you put out an S.O.S. to God, then afterwards, you went back to your norm. “Until,” that faithful day in your life when God found you in your cell room, or at some other painful place and time in your life. That is when you cried out to God to save you and to change your life. You then felt a great weight taken off your shoulders, your mind felt clean and your body was energized. Your soul felt a peace never before experienced and you let out a thank you Lord. You then went on to experience and see everything through spiritual eyes, and nothing in this world compares to the wisdom playing out within you. A changed man you are now and forever. As time goes by, days, weeks, months, years, you go on to ponder on so many questions and begin to seek answers for life’s wrongs as you seek to break free from the chains of your past. Successful you become, up to a point, then, the realities and problems of this world creep back on you, and its pressures begin to overwhelm you again. The answers and solutions now begin to evade you and before you know it nothing makes sense to you anymore. Still, you fight it and get back on your feet after each stumbling, but before no time, it’s the same old feeling of defeat as before your conversion, same bat channel, same bat time.
The questions on what is true and what is not, concerning good, evil, religion and God have now become even greater and more obscure that ever before. You have now entered into a nightmare, one which does not make sense and can not be unraveled. God failed?, I failed?, Who can help?, Who is right?, Is it all just plain B.S.? What the hell, I can’t win, I’ll just drop it and let it be, I’ll handle things as they come my way. Still, something remains in your heart and mind, and it won’t leave you alone. You try and not pay attention to it, or simply accept it as some remaining candle light which helps you through the night but not much more than that.

Back to square one you’ve gone round ‘bout.

What was it all about?

What happened?

What went wrong?

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